Nah, for reals though, in the context of holidays I would have to say Christmas and the holiday season itself is probably my second favorite time of year. Sure, it's not Halloween, but who can complain about free stuff given by people who get you, the parties with food and drink, the festivities, and the general pleasantness in the social miasma around this time of year? It's the one time of year people just decide "hey, let's all collectively not be assholes for a few months." It's grand, religious trappings or not, and I actually do enjoy it (I'm not a total Scrooge after all). But getting back to the topic at hand, Christmas songs. They're everywhere now. You literally cannot flip channels on the radio without hearing them. There's at least two stations that I have near my area that play non-stop Christmas music from the end of October to about January 1st. Which... why? Isn't one station enough? Just like everyone else, I get sick and fucking tired of Christmas music over those three or so months. I just don't need to hear "Frosty the Snow Man" for the hundredth time in a single sitting, especially when the same damn shit was played last year (I kid, Frosty - I still have a soft-spot for you. No hard feelings, right?). And of course, that naturally means I have my favorite and least favorite Christmas songs too. So, I decided to make a list. Here's my top six worst and top five best Christmas songs ever.
Before we get into this list, I realize this is probably going to make me a few... enemies so to speak. A lot of people have a lot of Christmas songs they love that I happen to hate. I realize there's songs on this list that are classics and not songs on this list that are more deserving, such as "Daddy Don't Get Drunk for Christmas" - don't get me wrong, I hate that song too, but there's way more annoying songs than that one out there. You all know which ones I'm talking about. Just be aware that this is my top eleven best and worst, not the top eleven best and worst. tl;dr - it's just, like, my opinion, man.
Now then, let's start with the top five least favorites of mine, shall we?
- Sleigh Ride. Okay, okay, I know. But come on, this song... I'm not talking about the version without the lyrics, that one's fine and I even played it every year for 10 years straight when I was in high school and college band. But the lyrics to this goddamned song... Not only are they ear-wormy, they're also real goofy. "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling too"? Come on, that's cheesy. "It's a picture by Currier and Ives"? One, nobody knows who those are (mass-produced stereotypical Christmas pictures is what), two, it makes the family-togetherness of Christmas look like little more than commercialism, and sorry, but that is not what I wanna think of when I think of Christmas (even if it's true). Besides, I have played this song way, way too fucking many times to ever enjoy it again. It's been ruined for me by playing it, and newsflash - it's not an easy song to play. We musicians just make it look easy. But at least this song I have learned to tolerate over the years, unlike...
- Wonderful Christmastime. What the fuck even is this song? Seriously. There literally is nothing more to it than "Siiiimply, haaaaaving, a wonderful Christmastime!" over and over. Okay... so what? That almost sounds like something Sebastian would say ("I'm simply having one hell of a Christmastime!"), except he is way too posh to say something that goddamned cheesy (or is he?). I'm not alone either - apparently a lot of people dislike this song. If that's the case though, why do radio stations still give it so much goddamned airplay? Seriously, this song has all the repetitive monotony of terrible dubstep, but none of the killer bass drops. And I say that as someone who likes electronic music.
- The Holiday Season (Happy Holidays). Okay this one's tolerable, and I want to like it... but I can't stand the lyrics. They're just... how do I put this? Lines like "Whoop-dee-doo and Hickory Dock" should not be sung by a grown man. Plus, "It's the Holiday season, so whoop-dee-doo" just sounds dismissive and backhanded. Okay, so "Whoop-dee-doo" meant something else back then, but come on. If someone goes up to you and says, "It's Christmastime, whoop-dee-doo", are you gonna think they're sincerely happy, or being sarcastic? Exactly. Nobody wants to hear someone be sarcastic about a time of the year when most people are trying to be nice to each other, Ebeneezer Scrooge. Take that shit and leave.
- Baby, It's Cold Outside. Ohhhh my God, this song. How can you not listen to this song at the lyric "Say what's in this drink?/No cabs to be had out there" and not think "OH JESUS H. CHRIST HE PUT A ROOFIE IN HER DRINK!!!!"? You can't. I defy you to not, especially in today's context. Sure, maybe at one point it meant that the drink was alcoholic, but even then the guy in it is still totally trying to take advantage of the woman in the song. Because nothing says Christmas like sexual predation and regret... I guess...?
- The Christmas Shoes. Urgh, nothing says glurge like this song. It's literally about a little girl who is going to buy her momma shoes for Christmas because she's dying and she wants her to look pretty when she meets Jesus. Newsflash kid, I doubt Jesus is gonna care about your mom's shoes, he's probably more concerned with making sure everyone's prayers are answers. It's damned hard being God as well as the Son of God, cut the guy some slack already. And by the way, it's based on an urban legend. So yeah, not only is this song lame, it's based on a great big fat lie. Because that's what Christmas is all about - exploiting people's feels with lies. Happy Holidays everyone!
- I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas/Nuttin' for Christmas/All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth/The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late). No, I'm not linking them because I am a merciful human being that doesn't torture my fellow human beings. All of these songs tied for the same damn reason - they are obnoxious songs sung by little kids or little-kid-sounding voices. Literally all of them fill me with inconsolable rage every time I hear them. No, they are not cute, they are not sweet, they are not precocious, they're fucking stupid and you are stupid for liking them. I would rather shove needles in my eyes and knives into my ears than listen to these, they should be outlawed as a form of cruel and unusual torture forced upon political prisoners. Just... I cannot think of a single more glurgy, obnoxious set of songs than these, and guess what? They're basically all the same type of song with slightly different themes. The first three are just... awful and ear-grating and I despise their guts, but the last one... dear God, have you heard the last one slowed the fuck down? It's like something you'd hear an inmate in a stereotypical insane asylum mutter to themselves, it's literally the kind of blasphemous flutes and drums Lovecraft wrote about. It's just... unearthly, and it makes these guys look cute and cuddly.
And that basically does it for the least favorites, let's go to something more pleasant, shall we? These will only be my top five absolute favorites, because there's only so many I can put on this list otherwise it would be waaaaaay too long.
- It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas. Come on, this song just captures the frivolity and happiness of the holidays that are coming. It really does put me in the mood for the joyful bounciness Christmas brings. You do have to admit... it really is beginning to look like Christmas around the time of year this song starts playing, and it does a good job of capturing the feel of a city or suburb around Christmastime. You might hate it, but I love it.
- Do You Hear What I Hear? Move over Little Drummer Boy, this is the real song about the story of Jesus' birth. It appropriately shows the scope and magnitude of the story, and the impact such a religious figure had and has on the holiday. Yeah, even a secular heathen like me can get behind this one. Tell me you don't feel a bit of the epicness and magnitude when it gets to the part where the king starts talking. It shows how one person can start something small, and cause something big. Plus, it's got a nice melody and rhythm to it. Can't argue with that.
- Jingle Bell Rock/Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Upbeat party anthems for the holiday season. How can you not like that? It just captures the feeling of Christmas parties for me - the frivolity, the festivities, the food, the fun, and the... free drinks (I had to fit another F word in there somewhere). These songs tied because they remind me of the fun of a good Christmas party, simple as that. That, and they're damned catchy without being obnoxiously earwormy.
- All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey). This version is so goddamned jazzy, upbeat, and fun. Mariah turns this from a sad song about missing your lover to a song about anticipating their return with a joyful heart and a hug and kiss. It's nicer than "Last Christmas" for that reason, and really is pretty damn cute in a romantic sense. All Mariah wants for Christmas is the light of her life, and that's so seriously adorable. Plus, you know how I feel about bouncy Christmas songs already, and this version has plenty of bounce to the ounce.
- Carol of the Bells/Ukrainian Bell Carol. My favorite Christmas song of all fucking time. Often also mixed in with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" this song, with its swirling, mysterious tones and gentle lilt that slowly goes full-tilt, really cements what winter and the hecticness of Christmas is for me. I just imagine flurries of snow, Santa rushing around in his sleigh, and the poigniant glimmer of candles at a Christmas mass to it. It captures my imagination as well as the magic and wonder of Christmas for me, when snow seems to have a mind of its own and everything impossible seems just a bit more possible. Soothing if played with just bells, and frantically epic if played by TransSiberian Orchestra, this is seriously my favorite Christmas song of all time. Soooo pretty. So pretty.